Diablo 3 Armory - Unofficial Diablo 3 Fansite

This is just rough it`s bad no character development or whatever .Have fun I made more so focused on the batle.


Cpl. Brian and his scout team hade been sent to search for minerals on the uncharted planet of Char.They proceeded with out question of theihigher commanders.

They were dropped off by a dropship outside of cavern and continued in with percuation.There lights flickered and it wreaked of an horrible smell for some reason.They went deeper went they hit a small resistance of 2 zerglings they lunged at them bouncing off walls defieing gravity. Butwhere caught by stream of explosive rounds they dropped and were crushed and stomped as the scouts pressed on.

Outside of the tunnel and 20 klicks away the UED was setting up a stationary mining facility with full defensive postions. As so two battle crusierswatched from above.

The scout team was proceeding at high speed throught out the tunnel the scanners said there ground depth was lowly decreasing. BUt then they say a birght blue gleam come from the corner. And continued onuntil they found it

It was an cavern massive it went down about 20 meters filled with the glorius bright blue crystals. Then suddenly there heard crawling he motioned two of his squad to search around for anything.Out of no where something started to drop from the cieling giant round pulcing oval shaped vainy things dropped and hit the ground bouncing of the crystals .BUt then that very second they had recieved a transmission to pull back the mining stationw as under attack. Brian looked around for the two comrades he sent off to search they were no where to be found. As the eggs started to pulse faster and faster he heard the men scream one was cut off in seconds he heard rifle fire echo and his comrade came spinrting from another tunnel.

The battle crusiers watched and provided covering fire for the mining station and sent there wraiths out. They could see only there was about 2000 of the zerg nothing that produced a major threat.Down on the ground the tanks battered the zerg from high ground and guts went everywhere bunkers never semed to stop lighiting up continous fire wraiths strafed the battle ground providing air support .

Back in the tunnel Brian froze up as he saw his the man come running covered in blood then he saw the eggs hatch hideous creatures popped up with their own screams he order his team to retreat they did with no question because they were already scared they kept running and all of the sudden one of his dropped and then another the zerg were catching up they saw light and kept runnig and all of the sudden they heard a rifle fire they saw the smoke but no person and then he realized that the UED had ordered ghosts here . Then he turned to see the zerg only feet away from him then a figure jumped out from infront of him limbs of zerg went everywhere blood splattered his comrade froze that second was all that zerg needed as one of the hydralisks collapsed the spines went everywhere he colappsed the razors went straight through him and shattered on the rock walls. The Cpl kept running then a woman poped up beside him it was the ghost he turned around over the horizon the ground was shaking he saw humongous figures with little ones infront of them. He kept running praying to make it to the emergency drop ship.

The mining station had won the battle with the marines relaxing and the wriaths returning to bay. They weren`t expecting the evnts to come the observation bay never picked up the swarm thorugh the clouds.

The Cpl and the ghost had mad it to the drop ship and were on the way to the station. When they landed the station was roaring, orders were being screamed marines were being issued special rounds that would tear through any carapace the rucous slowly faded away as the marines waited for the attack in the bunkers.

It was quiet for the next few minutes then the horizon turned black completely covered they were a good 10 klicks away but the ground still rumbled and shoke.

As they got closer the battle cruisers comfrimed there was atleast 10 million of them and all other stations had already fallen.

As the fact slowly sank in this was only a small part of the zerg force

Then there was a humoungous explosion in the shy the battle had begun.

To be continued

It good. You need an editor. Seriously. "no where"... is one word. "throught out" is throughout. Also one word.

Remember key word rough. The story with more details while be like 3 times the size of that. Oh well I still have fun.

PS. when I`m writing stories I don`t look up to see what i`ve done wrong so ops:

Thanks for the critisizime(spelt wrong) though any is welcomed

Fairly well done with the descriptions, and yeah it probably needed some proof reading but it was okay.

One last thing, I noticed that you referred to the main character as a Cpl.(Corporal)

Thanks for the criitizisime and I dont really think I did any charachter develpoment at all :cry: . Oh well work on that later oh and if you would like em to continue and then maybe do a good copy I can.

PS:The wall of text gets me quite a bit of mola , to bad the limit is so low

Haha anyone with more critizisime or wanting me to make the rest or is my time spent best else where?

Its a good story. You should make the rest and Id lyk 2 see if anyone that critisized u can can make a story that long without having a boring part.

Thanks and What i`ve been tuaght to stay away from getting boring is to have dynamic characters and have numerous ones (Hence Cpl. Brian and the Mining Station). If anyone wants any writing types id be happy to help

Hmmm, the base storyline seemed good enough, but you seem to have loads of typos..
It is written in a kind of annoying way, as you use "then" alot, allowing no commas or fullstops..

This makes it kinda confusing to times, as you had no idea what was happening, use more time fixing typos, then it would be very good.. Felt like it was rushed through with the writing

But yeah, some good descriptions; although felt the lack of tension and a climax..
I know you're very limited in length of the story, but felt the lack of character descriptions too
Oh well, follow some of these guidelines through the next part, and it should turn out nice

Jeeze Gizmo you should read my response to all the others *rough*. I also hate the word then and said . I actaully could feel a little frustration when i kept typing it i was like RAWR BAD WORD!

I did, but I just judged your story to tell what was lacking and what was good.. Not based on what you have already said
And I really don't think I posted that much of which you have already stated

It`s ok it just means if more people bring up then I should fix first or make it even better .

It good. You need an editor. Seriously. "no where"... is one word. "throught out" is throughout. Also one word.

... Is this my high school english class of SC2 Armory forums?

Can't wait for the second part. Great story. Just one thing... proof read cause there are some mistakes. Still a good story

wow thats a nice story, i didn't even know we had a fan fiction section I've been wanting to write a story for some time now, hope u don't mind .